Jackson is punishing me

So I have the best dog in the world. He encompasses everything that is good in my life and he makes everyone happy:

I had two other Corgis that my ex kept when we broke up, Xena and Sadie. Although I love them to this day, those two dogs almost broke ex and me up WAAAYYYYY before we did it ourselves. Ever want to test whether you're ready to have kids? Get two puppies at the same time. Christ, get ONE puppy. Those two dogs chewed up carpet, ripped up linoleum, ate every piece of underwear I OWNED, chewed up a pen and then walked all over my bone colored pants and weren't potty trained for a YEAR. Try living in an apartment that consistently smells like pee and see if it doesn't test your relationship.

But whatever, we broke up, he took my dogs, and a little piece of me died. No matter how annoying they can be and how many hundreds of dollars you spend relplacing pieces of your wardrobe, dogs are awesome and make life better. So, as soon as I was out of California and settled back in Oregon, I got Jackson. My little sunshine and honestly the best dog ever. He doesn't bark, he only peed in the house twice when he was a puppy, he loves being around people and has never destroyed anything in the house.

Until today.

My world is a little topsy-turvy right now and he must sense it. And not like it. While I was at the gym this afternoon, Jackson got up on the couch, onto the side table, got my VERY EXPENSIVE MOUTH GUARD that I have to wear because of jaw issues (woooowwwwww I sound like a dork) and chewed it to bits. BITS:

And you know what the first thing my mom said was? "Well, Lizzie, you shouldn't have left it out on the table," which is right up there with when my ex used to say, "Well if you'd just put your underwear in the laundry, this wouldn't be an issue." You know what, mom and ex?? Don't want to hear it. I should have normal dogs who aren't grossly attracted to used underwear and a retainer that's been in my mouth all night.

So $2000 later I'll get a new mouth guard. And having Jackson around to chew up the next one is totally worth every penny.

Age aint nothin' but a number

So this is kind of a follow up to my "I'm a Cougar in Missoula" blog. I don't typically like doing follow up blogs, but I felt I should write this because I think I might need an intervention. A 22-24 year old boy intervention.

Living here has given me unbridled access to young college kids (MAN, that sounds creepy! See why I need the intervention?). It kind of started as a joke and then it started to become kind of real. Like I went out with a 22 year old college SOPHOMORE on more than one date (that is, until he saw me fall through a gate I thought was a railing and land directly on my face... but that's another story). After going out with him, I noticed the guys I was attracted to when we went out were getting younger and younger. Like I considered asking a few of them if they were using fake IDs.

So even after all this, I wasn't really worried. It was all just in good fun. But there have been two new developments that have me worried:

1. My friends are starting to not only accept my cougarness as normal, but are starting to coug out themselves. I mean, one of us prowling around town is dangerous enough. And it was truly eye opening when I found myself being JEALOUS when my friend met and started talking to a 22 year old college kid she met at the U. Whhhhaaaaaaa??

2. My cougar ways have extended outside of Missoula and made their way into my Portland life. A good friend of mine set me up on a date with her boyfriend's best friend, who happens to be 22 and just out of college. He's very attractive, has a job with a future, a good family and seems to be generally normal and not a complete tool (which, let's be clear, really puts him ahead of the game). After some champagne he asked me if I thought us dating could work out and I said maybe, if he could get over me being 6 years older. Then he said something that really made me think: "Really? I thought it would have to be you getting over the fact that I was 22." Huh. Yes, that makes sense. I've become so concerned with how OLD I am, I'm forgetting how YOUNG they are.

And as the veil lifted, I realized I was sitting in a stark white and dirty beige apartment on a seriously gross couch, staring at walls covered in college football paraphernalia with a boy my brother's age.

If that doesn't scare the crap out of all of you and make you want to get on the next plane to Missoula to save me, I don't know what will.

Hmmm

Do you think it's bad that while trying to convince my friend to go see the Britney Spears concert with me, I compared it to sleeping with God?:

L: I can't believe you don't want to go to this with me.

P: Bitch please, you know I would have starved myself to lose weight and worn the skankiest gear, fake eyelashes and makeup to the nines just to get a fraction closer to Justin Timberlake!!! Britney, now she's another story...

L: She's slept with him. That's like sleeping with God. She's worth seeing.

P: Allegedly.

I'm going to hell.

Thoughts on being single at 28

So I have made some bad decisions. And I have had my heart FULLY and COMPLETELY broken. Broken to the point where to this day I still don't know if I'll ever be the same again. And the ongoing reality that I might have lost myself over four years ago occasionally makes a person introspective...

I don't know if I COULD be in a relationship again. I've been single and living alone since January 2004 and the thought of sharing my space, my friends, my dog and my LIFE kind of repulses me a bit. And so I'm having a hard time coming to terms with very conflicting feelings. On the one hand, I've always wanted to get married. ALWAYS. I had the grand plan in high school: engaged at 24, married at 26, baby at 28. Obviously that didn't work out, but I still want the plan - just on a later timetable (okay, except the kids part. Turn "baby" into "another dog" and it's a possibility...).

But now my want/need to get married and be a part of something bigger is kind of being drowned out by my ridiculously selfish personality. I want to live alone, I don't want to share the TV, no you can't eat three of my Lean Cuisine pizzas for lunch, GET ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BED, peeing on the toilet seat and not doing anything about it is disgusting, yes my makeup needs to be on the counter, yes $300 shoes are necessary, 5:00pm does not mean 5:45pm - it means 4:45pm, and YES it is absolutely necessary for me to have three Girls Nights a week because you are constantly annoying me and in my space.

So has the person who was left in a trillion little pieces all those years ago become extremely cynical and pessimistic and way too set in her ways? Have I constantly sabotaged myself and invested way too much energy in douchey guys for four years? It appears so.

But maybe all is not completely lost... I still occasionally find people who make me laugh and listen to my problems and who I genuinely care about. They're not perfect and definitely not boyfriends (or future husbands for that matter), but they make me happy nonetheless and give me a small inkling of hope that there are still good guys out there and that one day I'll be pieced back together enough to appreciate them.

Sober City

So I have stomach ulcers. I know, awesome. Maybe caused by stress, more likely caused by massive quantities of so-so wine. Regardless of the cause, I was instructed not to drink for a month. I made it a week.

Then there came some situations where a drink was kind of necessary. Then some where 5 drinks were necessary. And THEN some serious shit went down and now I'm back to consuming ulcer-inducing amounts of booze. I'm kind of at a loss as how to solve this problem. I'm drinking because I'm stressed out, but stress and drinking cause ulcers. Ulcers give me more stress so I drink. See the never ending cycle? And it's the holidays. Who doesn't drink during the holidays?

Today is a new day and I've only been back on the drinking wagon for four days or so. I could totally start the trip to Sober City again. I cooouuullllldddddd... I think I need to talk myself into this...

Pros of not drinking:

1. I'll lose 10 pounds in like a week
2. Ulcers might successfully heal
3. I get to watch the hilarious things my friends do with full clarity
4. I'll save money
5. I can be sober driver for my friends
6. I'll have a lot less bruises
7. I won't have any more moments like the one where I tried to kiss this random guy named Carl at the Iron Horse who seemed kind of into me after I'd had like 20 drinks because I thought I lost my job and then he just awkwardly turned his head and I kissed his cheek and Paige pulled me away quickly before I could do something even worse.

We all know what the con is: Boring Lizzie. And being Boring Lizzie might outweigh all the pros...

Go Griz!!

Okay, so BEST. WEEKEND. EVER. There are some out there who will be shocked, but I currently LOVE football. I have a team I like, I have fun tailgating, I understand what's happening during the game, and I have awesome NON-OBSESSIVE friends to enjoy the game with. Friends who can hold a conversation AND watch the game at the same time. Crazy, right?


This Saturday was the Griz/Cat game - like the Civil War of Montana. Missoula filled up with Griz and Cat fans alike from across the state and beyond, which let to some crazy crowded bars. I had the odd opportunity to view this entire display completely sober due to the fact that I'm not currently drinking (much to my dismay). I got to watch crazy tailgates where one guy chugged an ENTIRE FIFTH of Jim Beam and kids were dancing on top of motor homes. I watched several people stumble and weave down very treacherous stairwells and at half time got the pleasure of watching while paramedics wheeled a college student out on a stretcher while he continued to vomit in a bucket they put in front of him. Then there was this sitting in front of us:

Now that takes creativity. My favorite sweatshirt of the game read, "What's the Difference Between a Bobcat and a Dollar?" and on the back it said, "A Dollar is Good for Four Quarters." Ha.

Anyways, we had fantastic seats again courtesy of Ken and had a great view of the Griz completely stomping the Cats 35-3. And the Griz wore their old orange and yellow uniforms, which everyone seemed to absolutely love (I'm personally happy with the new colors):

The weather, while cold, could have been a lot worse. We bundled up, had sun during the tailgate and it was snowing when we left. That's Montana for you.

Now I'm sure you're thinking, "what could top such a fantastic Saturday?" I'll tell you what: VAMPIRE SUNDAY. Twilight was better than I ever could have hoped for and I'm fully committed to finding myself a hot vampire. I now understand all those girls who were scratching their necks and posing for pictures of Robert Pattison aka vampire Edward Cullen. I'm with you now, ladies. We've decided to throw one of the Twilight parties I was making fun of last week for the video release. You're all invited and you KNOW you want to come...

Thanksgiving in three days!!

Bloody Obsession

So this might be new information for some of you, but I have a mild obsession with all things vampire related. I find it fascinating and just...HOT. Something about pale skinny dead guys sucking blood... I think this is where my love of red lipstick stems from.

Anyway, this obsession has been taken to a whole new level recently with the introduction of the HBO show True Blood. All HBO shows are wonderful and since the Big Love season ended, I was VERY excited to learn about the addition of a new show about vampires that's set in the south and examines the moral and social ramifications of race and sexism in today's society (see? More than just a show about vampires!). True Blood takes place in a small Louisiana town where the integration of vampires, who now have legal rights and buy Japanese-made synthetic blood (True Blood), causes quite a stir. See the HBO trailer here:



Just as I used to enjoy weekly Mormon Monday dinner parties with Alyson and Amy in Portland for Big Love, we now have Vampire Sundays here in Missoula where we have dinner and drink red wine while watching True Blood. This Sunday is the season finale of True Blood and I'm pretty sure a main character dies so we're all very excited. This show is full of vampires (good and bad), shape shifters, mind readers, werewolves, exorcisms and some kind of weird pig lady so you really never know what's going to happen.

This Sunday we're also going to see the movie Twilight (which was written by a Mormon - see how all my obsessions are connected??), which is the story of a vampire falling in love with a human. It also has these weird abstinence messages embedded in the storyline, but I mean come on - it was written by a Mormon. The movie has sparked this weird international phenomenon and theaters are selling out like crazy so I already have our tickets:


From there we're putting together a vampire-themed dinner complete with blood and guts (baked pasta), seared flesh with blood dipping sauce (beef tips with BBQ sauce) and, of course, straight human blood for drinking (Bloody Mary's and red wine). So it's really just a big awesome vampire Sunday. And just because I'm going to take it to the next level and use the vampire bite mark tattoo Paige gave me doesn't mean I'm crazy. Just a VERY DEVOTED FAN.