Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Dry Weddings

As my cousin so eloquently put it, there are some things that just shouldn't be dry, including weddings, first dates and pool parties. Truer words were never spoken.

This last weekend was spent in my parent’s hometown of Condon, OR, to attend my cousin Earl’s wedding. His wedding with no booze. That’s right, a dry wedding. I truly believe there is alcohol at weddings for a reason and this one was no exception. Because there were enough little nuggets of goodness to fill four blog posts, I will try to point out just the big highlights:

1. The bridesmaid dresses were forest green with lace shawls. They were all wearing black cowboy boots with them
2. The woman playing the organ had the piano skills of a three year old
3. A woman got up in the middle of the ceremony and surprised the couple with her own rendition of "A Moment Like This," by Kelly Clarkson
4. When they kissed, motorcycle revving was playing in the background
5. They walked out to "International Harvester"
6. The bouquets were made out of wheat from our family wheat farm
7. They drove away in a combine
8. I broke a plastic chair and fell on my ass when SURROUNDED by people over 300 pounds. Of course it's my chair to go...

And there so much more, like a spam carving contest and old ladies letting people sign their boobs and me passing out in the car and my parents leaving me there. Really, just a quality, quality weekend.

And yes, all of that really happened. I’m still in awe.

Big hats make me happy

So I know I said I was going to restart the blog… but then I didn’t… but now I’m back! And with fun stories and everything. First up, the Kentucky Derby.

One of my clients when I worked in Seattle was based in Lexington, Kentucky and I learned quite a bit about the Kentucky Derby from those girls: everything needs to be big. Big hats, big hair, big boobs (if you’ve got them. I don’t). And I LOVE big hats and big hair and big boobs. So when I was invited to a Kentucky Derby this year to benefit Oregon Active, I jumped at the chance.

The day started out with mimosas (okay, just champagne) with the girls at 8:30am and snowballed into mint juleps and vodka sodas by 2pm. There were some amazing hats that were clearly crafted by very creative women. A guy friend of mine was there in a plaid blazer, pink chinos, green boat shoes and a pink tie. Everyone really went all out and it couldn’t have been more fun. I FULLY recommend everyone throw one of these parties every year if for nothing else than the fun of dressing up.

I see many a theme party in my future…

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I’m back! From outer space! (*aka the blog for Elissa)

So I don’t know if anyone reads this anymore. You know, since I stopped writing when I had NOTHING to say anymore. Because I was unemployed. And boring. And sad.

But now, how the tides have turned! I’m employed! And exciting! And happy! I’m working and traveling and quite possibly taking a pole dancing class (it’s EXERCISE, people!). I’m hanging out with friends and having wacky vacations. Really, anything could happen. May promises some big weekends including, but not limited to: a Kentucky Derby party (my hat is glorious), a Condon wedding (a DRY Condon wedding at that…), my long-awaited return to Missoula (where the Cougar Club will be reunited), and a 30th wedding anniversary party in La Grande, OR.

They all should provide quite the party (first for me and then for your reading pleasure). I only wish I’d already finished those pole dancing classes…

Monday, January 26, 2009


So I don't want kids. Have I ever brought this up? I taught swimming lessons for 8 years and studied to be a teacher in college. I have a major in English with minors in Education and Psychology. I was student teaching my senior year and about three weeks before graduation, I walked into my class room and the hate for every one of those kids ran so deep, I turned around, walked out and never looked back.

I thought the hate would go away but it only grew for the next couple years. My sister said she knew it was really serious when I threatened to stick my arm out and clothesline a little girl who was running up and down the aisle of a plane we were on. My anger and general dislike was now bordering on violence...

But last night I went to dinner with the family I used to babysit for in high school. They have three kids: two girls and a boy. And they are the best children known to man. Incredibly intelligent, hilarious, well-rounded, sweet and well behaved. All the time! They are all adorable and talented and a true joy to be around. They respect their parents, get good grades and play every sport you can think of. I think if this family teamed up with my do-gooding sister and her environment-loving boyfriend they could collectively bring about world peace. While I watched from the couch with a glass of wine...

So thank you, Lances, for renewing my hope that I won't want to give away my own children as soon as they've left the womb. But, be warned: I'm still not having more than one...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

New President = Drinking on a Tuesday

Yay for America! Finally a new President. I remember when Bush was first elected and we were all watching the results on the big TV in the basement of my sorority. I hadn't voted (even though I was 18) and another one of my "sisters" led our school's Young Democrats group. She was sobbing and screaming about how Bush was going to take away our birth control. That little exaggeration definitely had me wishing I'd voted...

Even though we still have our birth control, we had a lot of other important things taken away from us. Mainly our confidence in and respect for our country's leadership. I had a lot of friends and family in DC and my favorote stat from today was that there were over one and a half million people gathered to watch Obama speak and that there had not been ONE arrest. If that doesn't give you hope for the future peace of our nation, I don't know what will.

So, to celebrate this historic day I'm forcing one of my friends with a "flexible" job to hot the town with me. Now I just need to find bars with Obama-themed drinks so I can literally drink in his awesomeness. Too much? Nahhhhh....

Thursday, January 15, 2009

God bless America. And Hugh Grant.

From the first time he asked me if I'd "go out" with him, I knew he'd be my first kiss. Granted, I literally sprinted away from him in fear and locked myself in a bathroom (true story), but that was because I was nervous and I liked him. That's right, Eric Wilson. If you're stalking me out there in the wide blogosphere, in fourth grade I thought you would be my first kiss. Maybe it was the fact that you gave me a pencil eraser shaped like a dinosaur. Or that you hoarded up all your delicious flouride tablets to share with me. Or that you had tremendous roller skating skills. Whatever the reason, you were most definitely my grade school / middle school crush.

But after you chased me on your bike and I left you standing outside the bathroom waiting for a yes or a no, it was never the same with us. So, dreams dashed, I had to look elsewhere for my first kiss...

Two years later, at horse camp at Camp Collins, I met him. Simon. Tall, skinny, luxurious Hugh Grant-ish floppy blonde hair. Clear skin and a different Hypercolor shirt every day. With my awesome puffy new hairdo, skinny legs and oversized puff paint t-shirts we were a match made in heaven. We shared a love of anything the color forest green, extrememly light colored jeans, cheesy rolls and singing the song, "Yesterday" by the Beatles at campfire. Our cabinmates passed notes for us for an entire week and, finally, it was decided. First, we would sit next to eachother at campfire and HOLD HANDS (gasp!). The next day - our last day at camp - we would meet before flag and, while everyone was watching, kiss.

I don't remember much. I remember that he was wearing a purple t-shirt and Adidas flip flops. I believe I was wearing jean shorts and a dark tank-top. So you can all have a nice visual, this was me in 6th grade:

Obviously not much has changed. We walked slowly towards eachother, said hi, and he leaned in and kissed me. No hands, no body touching, just lips. There was yelling and clapping, I heard the National Anthem blaring from the flag pole and then, like that, it was over. I lined up with my cabin, watched his cabinmates high five him and walked into the cafeteria to load up on cheesy rolls.

I now associate kissing with applause, cheese and my love of America. It just really doesn't get much better than that...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Elastic Pants and Days of Our Lives

Today, I had a classic unemployment converstation via IM with my friend A. This is just ONE example of the ways my life is slowly evolving:

A: Leaving work now--i'll probably be over at 6. Sound good?

L: Sounds perfect. I'm in spandex and no bra. FYI. Might put a bra on before my dad gets home. MAYBE.

A: I love it. I'll wear a bra :).

L: Thanks - my Dad will really appreciate it.

Is the constant wearing of elastic pants and watching WAY too much daytime TV sad? No, my friends, no. IT'S AMAZING.