Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Anti-Christmas Letter

For the last four years or so, my dad has written a Christmas letter to go along with our family Christmas card. He got tired of hearing about how perfect everyone's lives were in their Christmas letters, so every year he takes the opportunity to glorify the family pets and make fun of his children. This year he took the opportunity to out my being unemployed to all our friends and family. Here's his 2008 version. Enjoy:

THE CHRONICLES: “Tony Arriveth”

A big thing happened this year. Yes, indeed! Oh, the human family members have done passably well this past year: no arrests, one tattoo, piercings holding steady—more about all of that later. However, as I’m sure you each recall vividly, our cherished miniature Schnauzer, Cleo, passed away in Dec. 2007. Obviously, we have suffered much greater human loss, but we loved that little Devil. So we got Tony: as in Tony Bennett. Anthony: as in Antony and Cleopatra. Pretty clever, eh. Tony is a miniature Schnauzer as well, but with a pleasant disposition. Who knew they came in that flavor.

This Season’s Greeting letter should conclude right here. The highlight of the year has been revealed. It’s all downhill now. But, Gloria won’t “Let It Be”, so (in alphabetical order):

Kimberly: As part of the two-headed “kimybrian”, Kimberly traveled to Peru and Bolivia in the winter-spring of ’08. She volunteered with a non-profit (what else), teaching Spanish and English, and generally improving the world. The Brian part of “kimybrian” pushed Kimberly to high altitudes in Bolivia (no drug jokes), optically deceiving salt flats, and other cold places that made for great pictures and adventure. He also undertook humanitarian work. Unlike my band, The Beatles, “kimybrian” play on. NEWS FLASH: Kimberly accepted a for profit job in Dec. ’08. She is paid (a little) and receives benefits. She is a sell-out, but her parents are prideful!

Lizzie: Elizabeth embraced adventure, wilderness, and a return to the Bennett roots. She rented her house, loaded up the truck and moved to Missoula, MT. Montana that is: outdoor streams, cowboys and Griz football. It was a good experience. Then, the economic collapse: the company went from 16 employees to five by Thanksgiving. In early December, it went to four employees: the two owners and two others. Lizzie went to the front of the soup line. Welcome home, Lizzie! As part of my on-going plot to acquire Jackson, the team’s star Pembroke Welsh Corgi, Elizabeth has been encouraged to join the Peace Corps (I feel like George Steinbrenner). A posting to Africa would be nice. We shall see.

Will: Remember turning 21, drinking too much, getting a tattoo, and guiding white-water rafting trips? Me neither. But, Will has added this line-up to his growing resume. Youthful exuberance—what more can we say. Will is still a collegian at the U of W. Nursing is his idea for future employment, probably an idea generated by observation of his parents’ degenerating condition.

John, Gloria and Jose: Life’s good. Our friends keep plugging along with us, and we manage a little leisure here and there. Jose has been stockpiling kitty kibble since the financial collapse, but I think it is an over-reaction. He could afford to lose a couple of pounds anyway. In sum, we go to bed earlier and remember less, but we are happy to be sending out this letter. Merry Christmas!




13 comments:

Molly said...

That Christmas letter is frickin hysterical. I totally see where you get your gift of blog. I would LOVE IT if my parents could be as witty! Those traditional Christmas cards are sickening! So glad you made it back. Looking forward to getting together before you leave. :(

Sara said...

Best Christmas letter EVER.

Alyson said...

Wow. JB really threw your sh*t in the street :) Someone had to. Needless to say, I enjoyed it thoroughly. Sounds like Kim has a bright future.

Mandy said...

At least you look pretty in the attached picture!

Katie Says So said...

awww that is hilarious! your dad sounds like a riot! you are looking gorgeous in that pic!!!!

LipstickOne said...

wooow

Brittany said...

That was pretty much the best Christmas letter I have ever read! I hate getting those brag letters each year in the mail, but I would LOVE to be on the receiving end of that one.

Emily said...

That is awesome! I truly appreciate an honest "Christmas letter" for once. No one is perfect and everyone has shitty luck from time to time. We are all happy you are home no matter how you got here!!!! Love you tons!

little erin said...

oh boy. i can't let my family see this, or our christmas letters will start looking like something similiar!!! just wanted to let you know i moved blogs. my new url is

www.erinuncensored.blogspot.com

EP said...

Wow. Hysterical! It looks/sounds like something my father would write in a Christmas card.

I hope you had a lovely Christmas and the new year has been wonderful, too!

Andy said...

I wish our family Christmas letter was anything like that. I appreciate the honesty.

Princess Pointful said...

Ha! I love how your dad just rolled with it all.
Honestly may truly be the best policy if you are funny, at least!

reederscorner said...

That's an awesome letter! LOL - BTW awesome family pic :)